My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
