The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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