It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
