Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize