She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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