so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
