So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
