yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
