Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
