The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
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He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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