today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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