I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
