It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
