Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
