i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
