I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
