I didn't shave. On purpose
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Randomize
