Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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