No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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