He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i now understand why vodka
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
