the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
