My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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