turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
