i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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