What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
