The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
