i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
