I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
