Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
