The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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