she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
