Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
