No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
