I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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