No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize