my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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