I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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