did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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