I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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