Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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