This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
