flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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