Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
