Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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