i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
