just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
