I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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