He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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