I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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