You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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