We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
