Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
