my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It was a blind-side dick pic.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
