I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
