this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
