Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
