So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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