sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
